In Case of Emergency, Mop Bathrooms

If you know me well, you know that the possibility of mortal danger is always on my mind.  I constantly formulate plan-B scenarios and contingency plans in the event that I unexpectedly become the victim of a violent crime (carjacking, mugging, drive-by shooting) or an unfortunate accident (lose balance on wet walkway, trip while walking with scissors, other driver was adjusting iPod).  But here is a manifestation of that habit that you may not know about:  I try to straighten up every time I leave the house just in case I die while I’m away and someone else has to sort through my effects.  I think, “Is this the last impression that I want to leave on my unfortunate loved one?  Here lies a woman who never got around to cleaning behind the toilet.”  The answer is easy: No way, Jose.*

I give my house a little morbid once-over when I leave for playdates and errands (incidentally, also when I go to bed at night, in case I am murdered in my sleep.  That scene would be grisly enough for someone to happen upon without also finding the dinner dishes still in the sink).  But I really, really like to give the house a good scour before we leave on a long trip.  Not only will I leave my worldly goods in neat order in the event of my tragic demise, coming home to a clean house is a great treat for the lucky traveler who lives to see the end of her vacation.

My blogging has become sporadic enough that you probably won’t even notice the days that I am gone.  But for those of you who like to be in the know (and since I’m being faithful to my Facebook-is-made-for-man-not-man-for-Facebook principles and not posting status updates), we will be getting away soon, so I am enjoying a flurry of good housekeeping.  I expect to come back with my skin cells lightly toasted and my creativity rejuvenated.  At the very least, I’ll have a couple of cute photo posts up my sleeve.

*You may ask yourself, “If you are dead, will you really care if someone else discovers your dirty bathrooms?”  Answer: Yes.  Yes, I will.  And I will cry the first tears of embarrassment that Heaven has ever seen.

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7 responses to “In Case of Emergency, Mop Bathrooms

  1. lol, wow…

    Sometimes the pest control guy comes when we are not home and I realize I had a bra handing on the doorknob of my closet or there were undies were on the top of the hamper pile. I need to start thinking more like you. :)

    The worst one recently was that Owen apparently used the master bathroom without me knowing right before we left. He got pee on the seat, and he failed to wipe it up. We left on vacation, and I returned to a notice that pest control had come. I am sure the dried puddle on the seat left a great impression. I imagined the guy probably thought, “No wonder they need pest control service.”

  2. i actually do this too. i think maybe someone’s mom that i once knew had that philosophy, so for some reason i picked it up…

  3. I am sure I don’t know what you mean. However, having had the opportunity to pack up several loved ones’ homes after they had passed on, I can certainly see the wisdom in this so-called neurosis.

  4. Carolyn Dickinson

    I do the same thing for the same reasons, Lindsey! Remember the old “clean underwear in case you’re in an accident”? I was brought up on that one! So I always straighten up before I leave the house although I may not actually CLEAN it. I don’t leave dirty dishes overnight, either. Sure is nice to wake up to a straightened house :)

  5. Carolyn Dickinson

    P.S. Love your commentary and expressiveness; you are an amazing writer!

  6. I’m more with Abbey on this one. Worse than the pest control guys, we had church members come over to install a phone jack while we were out of town (hooray, parsonage). Clean laundry was in a pile in the living room and who knows what else what happening in that house. While I do like to have a clean home before going on vacation, it rarely happens.

  7. Good news, everyone: we’re home, alive! And it was lovely to come home to a clean house.

    @ Abbey and Lydia- LOL! And I can sympathize–there have been plenty of times I’ve been caught off guard with drop-in visitors!

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