S-p-e-l-l-i-n-g Gets Real

Yesterday I gave the students their new spelling words, which included “injure” and “injury.” Little did I know how prophetic those words would be. By the end of the day, I had two girls on their way to the doctor’s office- one with a broken arm (tripped and fell at recess) and the other who got her eyeball poked with the corner of a binder (ironically, this is Needykins who poked herself in the eye with a pencil eraser for a few days in a row–some sort of karma at work, I’m sure). So today they arrived in class in a sling and with a taped-on gauze eyepatch, respectively. Needless to say, I had plenty of fodder when I made up sentences for our fateful spelling words on the pretest today. There are no negligence lawsuits pending that I am aware of, but I’m being extra careful for the next week or so.

In completely unrelated news, I went ahead and joined Curves yesterday, and I talked the lady down to a six month commitment. Hopefully I’ll experience no i-n-j-u-r-y there, except to my c-e-l-l-u-l-i-t-e.

 

Types

I thought I’d introduce you to a few of the little ducklings that are in my world this year.  I’ve got some classic types, as well as a few little novelties.  Introducing six of my strongest personalities…

Miss Thang:  This little girl is all boss.  She keeps an eye on her watch at recess and gets the class lined up before I blow the whistle.  She keeps the daily schedule at hand, and always knows what is coming up.  Now, granted, I run a pretty reliable ship, but most of the rest of the students like to wander around like zombies during break times until I remind them (again!) that art comes after math on Mondays.  Not MT!  She’s standing by the door with supplies in hand.  This is the fourth grader who wants my e-mail address so her people can get in touch with my people.

Needykins:  This girl is as near to me as my own arm hair.  She raises her hand constantly to narrate her thoughts and feelings to me as we go through the day.  ”Ha, I just picked up my pencil and I thought the lead was broken, but then it wasn’t!”  ”Guess what?  I just read a whole chapter in my book!”  ”Ha, this is the fourteenth time I’ve raised my hand in twenty minutes!”  This is the girl who, no lie, has poked herself in the eye for two days in a row so that she can get a wet paper towel to hold over her face like an eye patch.  

Speed Racer:  Speedy is a hard one to keep busy.  He races through everything I give him, doing mediocre work but getting it finished at turbo speed.  He is not motivated by the idea of excellence, and he gets quite whiny when I suggest that his work is not acceptable as-is.  Every time there is a lull in the action, SR is getting out his homework from math and Latin, and working feverishly to get all of his work done before he gets home, so that he has plenty of time to enjoy Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube.  

Pokey the Puppy:  Pokey is part of the reason that I can’t keep Speedy busy.  This little girl is as cute as can be, but she moves like she’s underwater.  She always brings up the rear of our line when we go from class to class, with her backpack hanging off of one shoulder and her papers falling out of her binder because she wasn’t finished packing up when I left.  Pokey is in her own time zone.

Mr. Perfect:  This guy is no Speed Racer; everything he does is beautiful.  His handwriting is so perfect, I feel guilty making any corrections on his papers.  When I display student work on the bulletin board, all of the other mothers stop and gaze at Mr. P’s work, sighing that they wish their children could produce such beauty.  Remarkably, Mr. Perfect does not find himself stuffed into lockers or staring into toilets for daily swirlies; he is the most popular boy in the class.  That’s life in a private school for you.

Grumpus:  This little dude is like a crotchety octogenarian in a ten-year-old body.  He hates it when people touch his stuff and bump into his desk, and he’s prepared with a short “Watch it!” when his space is violated.  Life is currently peaceful for Grumpus because he’s the lucky winner in this week’s seating chart and he doesn’t have to share a desk with a partner.

 

Home Away from Home

I saw this on several teacher blogs at the beginning of the year.  I thought I’d go ahead and show you my school world, now that it is six weeks into the year.

Home Sweet Classroom!

Yes, that is a piano.  No, I don’t use it.  That is one of the joys of sharing space with a Sunday School room.

This is the reading corner.  Each kid has a chart that I use to keep up with their reading.  Behind the shelves is the reading corner and cubbies of another classroom, which is located in my storage closet.  Again, the joys of sharing space.

I’ve turned my classroom into a little commune by taking away all personal property.  So this is where we keep all of the school supplies.  The cubbies were getting too messy!  So far, I love this system.

This is my corner of the world.

This is why I love teaching fourth grade.  They still draw pictures for the teacher.

 

Go for the Gold

I admit–I’ve gotten sucked into the Olympics.  I’m not watching religiously, but I’ve managed to catch several events here and there.  The other day it struck me as a commentator praised one of the teams as being “the best gymnasts in the world.”  Another time they’ve said that somebody was “the fastest swimmer in the world.”  I realized that, when you’re talking about the Olympics, that expression actually means something.  It’s not like the “best pie in the world” or “the most selfish person on the planet” (see Two Weeks Notice), which is generally understood to be a hyperbole.  These athletes are literally better at their sport than every other human being on Earth.

So I got to wondering what would it be like to know that I was the best in the world at my job (or at anything, really).  I mean, just because my canvas tote bag says “best teacher in the world,” I have no quantifiable proof that this is the case.  So I would like to propose the idea of the Teacher Olympics.  Here are some possible events:

Category:  Communication through Facial Expression.  Contestants must demonstrate an ability to communicate the following sentiments using only non-verbal, facial communication:

• You’re dead meat if you keep that up.
• Yes, that’s really funny, but it’s inappropriate.
• You are not at all funny, and that is inappropriate.
• Excuse yourself to the hallway.
• Please offer to share your Star Crunch with me.

Judges will focus specifically on precision in lifting the eyebrow, effective use of widening or narrowing the eyes, and intensity in pursing of the lips.  Special consideration is given for bulging veins both in the neck and forehead.

Category: Space Management.  Contestants will prove skills in spatial manipulation through a series of challenging scenarios, to include:

• Arranging thirty desks and a bookshelf in a closet of a classroom.
• Creating a welcoming environment in a room with cinderblock walls.
• Arranging fifteen desks and a bookshelf in a cavernous room.

Judges will look for navigable pathways through furniture and will consider the effect of furniture placement on student behavior.

Category:  Verbal and written communication manipulation.  Contestants will put their communication skills to the test in highly sensitive environments, to include:

• Bringing an inopportune conversation to a quick conclusion.
• Telling the truth on a narrative assessment in non-offensive yet clear language.
• Telling the truth in a parent-teacher conference in non-offensive yet clear language.
• Expressing a concern to an administrator in insistent yet cooperative language.
• Expressing words of love to an annoying student.  Must be completely sincere, devoid of sarcasm.

Preliminary rounds will also feature competition in various practical skills such as first aid, basic counseling, public speaking, and computer literacy.

I’m out of brain juice for now, but I’m still thinking of more special events.  I’ll add them in the comments as I think of them.  OR, you can add some. 

 

How to Succeed in 4th Grade

Here’s a compilation of my favorite parts from letters of advice that my students wrote to next year’s fourth graders (see if you can tell what things I say most often):

Dear new fourth grader,

Congratulations, you have passed 3rd grade. But after 3rd grade comes an even bigger challenge: 4th grade.  Here are some friendly tips about 4th grade.

• Never doodle on your papers or you will get in trouble.
• 4th grade is very fun most of the time but at the end of the day your hand is sore.
• You always want to sit up straight in writing position.
• Don’t doodle on your paper.
• One thing you have to look out for is diagramming sentences, it is hard!
• Always keep your back on the back of the chair, keep your feet on the ground, and sit up straight.
• Don’t complain.
• Never take off your shoes during class when Mrs. Watson has told you not to.
• Another thing is if you are sitting by a girl, Mrs. Watson will be paying attention to you, so don’t hurt them because they will tell and you will get in trouble. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.
• NEVER, EVER walk out of the room without asking.
• Don’t put off studying. Translating “docebimus” and spelling “bouquet” might be hard, but it is worth it to get a good grade!
• Try to get it wright the first time.
• You need to sit with your chair pulled in, with your back against the chair’s back.
• Don’t make off topic comments, keep your “off topic” comments to yourself.
• Address your teacher as “ma’am.” It’s for respect.
• One thing you don’t want to do in 4th grade is draw on paper or on yourself.
• Do not underestimate the power of not studying.
• Do not take advantage of subs. Your teacher finds out and BAM! It sticks in her head all year that “I can’t let them have any fun when I’m gone.”
• On the first day of school, always make a first impression on your teacher. That way next time you mess up she might say, “Hey, that kid was nice on the very first day of school, I think I’ll let her off the hook just this once.”
• Never doodle, ok? Once I started I couldn’t stop. And I still haven’t stopped.
• Never draw on your shoes.
• Don’t doodle or draw on yourself.
• Be prepared to write many challenging paragraphs. We have to write in cursive and use precise language.
• Tuck in your shirt.
• Do not have pneumonia for two weeks because you will have a lot of make-up work.
• If you have a habit of sitting cross-legged on your chair, try to work that out on the weekends or over the summer.
• Don’t roll your eyes and try not to argue with friends.
• Wash your hands often, so you don’t get sick.
• If you are shy, just ask somebody to be your friend.
• Do your homework or you’ll have twice as much homework the next day, believe me!
• Teachers don’t like you talking when they’re talking.
• Do not draw during class. It gives the teachers the idea that you don’t care about them.

Heed my words of experienced wisdom, and you will do great.

Sincerely,

This year’s fourth grade class

 

Thirteen kids in an old church van

Yet another proof that college education courses do not thoroughly equip their students to handle the varied challenges that arise in the daily life of a classroom teacher. Take today, for instance- where was it that I was supposed to have learned how to parallel park a 15-passenger van full of screaming children on a busy downtown street?

Let me back up (no pun intended). In August, I put in a purchase request to take my class to a musical based on the life of Ben Franklin at our local theater. Last week I realized that the field trip was coming up TODAY! The lovely office angels had booked my tickets and reserved a church van for me to transport my students. I had fallen down on my job of finding parents to accompany us. So I sent out a last-minute e-mail requesting volunteers, and got one other mom, Robin, to come and to drive two students. That left me, in the church van, with the other thirteen.

We left in plenty of time because I knew that parking downtown was an issue. Robin kindly drove ahead of me and scouted out a nice available spot…not in a free parking lot, like I had hoped, but a nice parallel spot…between two SUVs. I gritted my teeth and tried to remember what I learned about parallel parking from Driver’s Ed (now 10 years ago). I did a great job on my driving test, in a little Ford Focus, but this long beast was another matter altogether (did I mention that the van also had a trailer hitch that added another foot to my length?) Robin stood in the busy street and tried to direct me, but all I managed to do was get wedged with my nose sticking out in the middle of the road.

Meanwhile, in the back seat, three of my boys were screaming that I am about to hit the car behind me, that I’m going to get a ticket for being too close to the curb, and that they’re all going to die. The other boys were screaming at the girls, who were attempting to sing a Taylor Swift song in two-part harmony.

Finally, I gave up. I pulled into the closest fire lane (nice and easy to pull up to the curb!) and ordered the kids out of the van. I handed the keys to Robin and let her take a shot at it while I took the rugrats into the theater. I was slightly vindicated when Robin arrived about twenty minutes later, informing me that the van was parked four blocks away in another spot. It wasn’t just me!

Unfortunately, I can only imagine the version of the story that is being told around my students’ dinner tables tonight. Let’s hope I don’t get phone calls.

 

Future Historians of America

So just when I was getting the big head about what great American history scholars I was training up, I got this eloquent quote during one of my students’ book reports about a biography of Thomas Jefferson:

“Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, which freed people from stuff.”

 

Revolutionary

Occasionally when I feel like a insignificant speck in an infinite universe, I give myself a big power trip by messing with my students.

Take, for example, my longest-running scam experiment to date, an innocent history-illustration-turned-behavior-manipulation management strategy. When we started to study the American Revolution, I issued all of my students 16 dry beans. Every Monday I pay them one additional bean for every day we were in school the previous week. Throughout the week, I arbitrarily exact bean penalties for various offenses, such as forgetting pencils, making irrelevant comments, talking in line, and, on a really cruel day, for wearing a yellow shirt.

Now I don’t come out and say it, but usually the kids pick up on the fact that we are doing a little role-playing, and I am the bullying King George and that they are the poor persecuted colonists who are suddenly being taxed for behaviors that had been previously tolerated. (It is merely convenient for me that this unit falls at the beginning of January, when the kids need a little extra incentive to behave.)

Usually I keep adding taxable offenses until the system is so complicated that I would have to set up a little little mini-IRS to keep up with it. At this point, I give a reward to the student with the most beans and call the game quits.

But this year it has been working so brilliantly that I may keep up the game for another couple of months. The kids completely understand the historical analogy, but they go along with the game with surprising goodwill. They gamble and loan beans between themselves (with interest), and they turn each other in for violating the rules. I have a few who are stingy hoarders and some who have to bum off of friends every day.

The behavior transformation has been inspiring. Instead of nagging, I can just assign a bean penalty for a certain habit that I’m particularly annoyed by.  I take beans for tardies, for “untucked” chairs, and school supplies out of place.  Now all I have to do is raise my eyebrows and count down from three and instantly the room will transform as if Mary Poppins has swooped through.

But as I said, the historical objectives have also been met by my little project. The other day my students proudly charmed me with a parody of the famous speech by Patrick Henry that we had studied…”Gentlemen may cry ‘Beans, beans!’, but there are no beans! The war is actually begun!…As for us, give us beans or give us death!”

Moments like that are what I come to work for.

 

Ed Classes Don’t Prepare You For Everything

So here’s a note I never expected to need to write on a student’s paper-

“Next time, please use a tissue to blot arm when your scab bleeds rather than your spelling test paper.

“Fondly, Mrs. W.”

 

Chalk Talk

It occurred to me today that chalkboards are now as obsolete as Easter bonnets. You can find them in a few primitive communities and ancient church Sunday school rooms, but for the most part chalkboards have been replaced by the more classroom-friendly dry erase board. It’s sad for me, as possessing supreme power of the chalk was one of the main reasons I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. Getting to be master of the markers is not quite as glorious, more like glorified kindergarten.

I remember staying in at recess and inventing writing games to play on the board, just for the sake of practice. I remember my eccentric science teacher in fourth grade showing us how you could make the chalk skip across the board making dots by holding it at a certain angle. And, saddest of all, gone is the childhood joy of banging chalk dust out of erasers onto the board itself, onto classmates, and into the grass outside of the building. I realized that this is a memory that I could share with Laura Ingalls but not with my own fourth grade students.

Aesthetically, the green board is a loss, for what better complements the red-apple decor of school days? The giant white board now dominating the front of most classrooms is impersonal and intimidating, evoking thoughts of arctic tundra, hospital corridors, and women’s legs in the winter.

Besides, when you want to get the attention of a classroom full of unruly teens, scratching fingernails across a chalkboard was always a sure last resort (just ask Sister Mary Clarence). All we can do now is to keep the door shut and hope the fumes from the dry erase markers will eventually slow the pranksters down.