Have I ruined my newborn already?

Advice for mothers of newborns tends to fall on one of two extremes:
1) You can’t spoil a newborn; do whatever it seems like she wants for a couple of months and worry about setting up routines when she’s a little older.
2)  Routines bring order and peace to your life and your baby’s life; unless you plan to cater to your baby/toddler/child/teenager’s needs for her whole life you need to start establishing boundaries and expectations right away.

My guess is that, as with most issues, the wisest choice is somewhere between the two extremes.  But, as with most searches for perfect moderation, I struggle with what that looks like.

Before Abby was born, I read Preparation for Parenting, which is the original “Christian” version of Baby Wise.  I love sleeping through the night, and I love routines and schedules, so the uber-order of this approach appealed to me.  But as a brand-newborn, Abby slept all the time.  She fell asleep while she was eating and would rarely wake up until it was time to eat again.  I couldn’t figure out how to force her to enjoy 15 minutes of independent wake time after eating, so I decided to let her do her own thing and sleep whenever she wanted to.  Her eating was always at least two hours apart, so I patted myself on the back for not letting her develop a “snacking” habit and figured that was good enough for now.

Well, last week Abby went through several days in a row of being irritable and fussy almost all day.  I decided that her problem is that she has not learned how to sleep on her own; she needed feeding or rocking to fall asleep, and she only slept soundly when I was holding her.  In desperation, I turned back to Preparation for Parenting.  But it was a little too severe for me this time around.  I did not appreciate the not-so-veiled insinuation that I was denying my child God’s best every time I rocked her to sleep.  So I purchased, and read, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, which gave me similar advice about scheduling and routines, except with more warm fuzzy feelings.

So I am back to square one–I think it would be a great thing if I could get Abby on a more predictable schedule of eating, wake time, and sleeping during the day.  But how do I enforce that?  When Abby falls alseep eating, it’s hard to make her wake up.  If I do succeed, she doesn’t sleep well again until after the next feeding.  And how do I teach her to fall alseep on her own except for sticking her in her crib and letting her scream?  None of my books (and certainly not my feelings, for as much as those are worth) recommend the “cry it out” method, but I haven’t found very good tips for what to do instead.

So in the meantime I’m still letting Abby fall asleep however the heck she wants to, and we enjoy wake time whenever she feels like opening her eyes (which is getting more frequent!).  But, as the Baby Whisperer points out, bouncing a twenty-pound baby around the house to get her to sleep will not be nearly as fun as bouncing little newborn Abby, and I’m worried about sending a high-maintenance baby to her babysitters when I go back to work in a few weeks.  So I’m trying to think about transitioning her into more of a schedule.  Any tips from you veteran moms?

 

Credit Where Credit is Due

In case I haven’t said this already, Stephen has been great in the midst of all my postpartum adjustments.  Before August 27, he came home every day to one very non-demanding wife and a calm and orderly house.  Now, he is living with two unpredictable females who cry unpredictably, who may or may not be comforted by food and/or affection.  But he’s been remarkably patient with both of us, and gladly assumes his dad/husband hat as soon as he walks in the door from work.  This means that among many other things, he changes diapers, bounces the fussy baby, runs to the grocery store, takes us out to dinner, and helps with household chores without any complaining!  My husband is awesome!

 

Essentials

Abby is almost a month old, and since last Thursday, she’s been in a high-maintenance phase (I’m getting a rare extended-nap break…but more on this in a post to come).  Now more than ever, I’m having to make the most of every golden moment when she is not demanding my attention, which means that my to-do list for each day has to be painfully basic.  It’s allowed me to see where my true priorities lie!  I’ve been a little surprised at what routines I have been able to give up, and what I always have to make time for.

Essentials:

-Put on deodorant
-Brush teeth (I actually forgot this one day, and when I realized it I was mortified…it made me feel like I was de-evolving into a cave woman.)
-Fix hair (It’s been in the same easy style for a month now, but it’s always pulled up.)
-Put on  makeup (Again, my routine is simple, but I don’t ever skip it.)
-Change out of pajamas.  Lately, now that I can fit back into most of my old clothes, I’ve tried to wear real outfits, not just stretch pants and t-shirts.
-Open blinds in the living room
-Read.  It’s one of the few things I can do while feeding or rocking the baby, and I’ve been blazing through some of my old favorites.
-Check e-mail.
-Make bed.
-Keep house generally picked up- dirty dishes put away, baby clutter kept to a minimum.
-Feed dogs and let them outside.

And, the sometimes-surprising Non-Essentials:

-Fold laundry immediately.
-Put away folded laundry immediately.
-Sweeping and mopping floor.
-Put on jewelry
-Check e-mail more than twice a day.
-Respond to e-mail
-Answer ringing telephone
-Exercise
-Modesty (Okay, I haven’t done anything obscene.  But pre-Abby, I was modest to the point of prudery…now I just don’t care as much, especially in my own house!)
-Grocery shopping
-Turning lights on (I think it’s gloomy to keep the lights off, but if a dim room keeps the baby asleep, I’m not going to rock the boat.)
-Blogging and reading blogs

I will say, I managed to accomplish a wonderful non-essential yesterday: I put up some fall decorations!  It took me two days instead of an hour, but I got a wreath on the door and some pumpkins scattered around the house.  It makes me feel like a  homemaker again, and it reminds me that we’ve entered my favorite season of the year.

 

Keeping Busy

Here’s a glimpse of the few thoughts I’ve had about topics other than the baby:

I’ve posted a new book review!  The bad news is, the book stunk.  The good news is, I’m able to read while I feed and hold the baby during the day, which gives me much-needed mental vacations from laundry and diaper-changing.  For some variety, I keep a little portable CD player next to my favorite spot on the couch.  I am listening to an audio book and also a sermon series on Ephesians by Tommy Nelson (one of my top three favorite preachers ever).

I try to only indulge myself by watching TV during feedings at night time, when I am too sleepy to do anything else.  I’ve been speeding through seasons of Friends.  Season 8 is definitely my favorite!  The one with the story about backpacking through western Europe is maybe the funniest episode of all time.

 

Out and About

Going out of the house is a lot more complicated with Abigail in tow, but mustering up the nerve to take a few excursions has been a huge part of my return to “normal” life.

On the recommendation of our pediatrician, we’re still avoiding large crowds of friends and family, which means that we haven’t gone to church or taken visits to my or Stephen’s school.  But we got an “all clear” for being out in the world in general, so I’ve been taking advantage of my freedom!

We’ve gotten pretty comfortable taking Abby around town for short trips (so far always tightly scheduled between feedings); she’s shopped at Wal-Mart, Target, and Academy, and she’s watched me enjoy a few meals out at local restaurants, including one fun afternoon when we met my dad for lunch on his break.

Last week Abby and I traveled with my mom to go shopping in Austin, and we had a great time!  We browsed in the Domain shopping center, and walked through IKEA on the way back home.  Abby was a very good girl and even let us enjoy a sit-down lunch on the patio of a nice restaurant.

So far I’ve never been brave enough venture out for a big trip all by myself, but my nerve is up the next time I have a compelling reason to go out.  Also, we’ve introduced Abby to bottles, which she takes very readily, so that gives me even more flexibility to be out in the open with her for longer stretches of time.

 

Baby Update

Abby had her two week appointment with her pedi last Thursday, and she got a great report!  She’s gained almost a pound over her birth weight, which means that feeding is going abundantly well.  Dr. B. said that good weight gain also indicates that all of her other systems are developing normally, so hooray!  Just what this paranoid mama needed to hear.

I’ve swung back and forth like a super emotional Pong between the extremes of newborn care…when Abby sleeps in her bed, I rejoice at her independence and then worry that she’s feeling neglected and not getting enough love.  So, I pick her up and worry about training her to depend on me for sleep.

She’ll get hungry after two hours and I’ll worry that she’s eating too often…but when she sleeps long and it’s been almost four hours, I worry that she’s gone too long without food.  Or, I worry that she’s sleeping so much during the day she’ll be up all night.

I’ll hear her dirty her diaper in her sleep, and I won’t want her to sit in her mess for too long, but I’ll be reluctant to disturb her in the middle of a good nap.

I’ve read Baby Wise, and I’m attracted to the idea of a schedule, but I haven’t had much willpower to try to force my sleepy newborn to stay awake after feedings, or to make her wait for too long to eat when she’s clearly hungry, or to wake her from a good nap to keep her on an eating schedule.  I don’t really feel too much guilt about this, except when it’s the middle of the night and either Stephen or I have been up for hours doing the “rain dance” with a baby who won’t fall asleep…and I wonder if these long nights are my own making.

But, despite all of this, I am doing better about enjoying the ride, and I’m trying to be confident as I figure out what routines will work for this mama and baby.  And as far as the big picture goes, Abby is really a pretty easy baby compared to some stories I’ve heard, and we’ve been blessed abundantly with lots of little girl clothes, we have lots of delicious food in the fridge from our church and school friends, and I have enjoyed incredible support from my mom and mother-in-law.  I am definitely counting my blessings!

Here’s a sweet pic of Abby, for those of you who aren’t on Facebook, by my talented photographer friend Abbey:

 

Head in the Sand

Here is installment one in a series of short snippets from the past weeks:

As you’ve noticed if you have tried to call, e-mail, or Facebook message me lately, I’ve allowed myself to “go dark” for the past few weeks.  For a natural introvert such as myself, all of those polite social behaviors reqire energy…and I’ve been avoiding all non-essential energy output since we’ve been home with Abby.  I’ve figured that this is the one time in my life people will forgive me for antisocial behavior.  But, I’m starting to regain my footing, both physically and emotionally, so I’m hoping to re-establish human contact over the next week or so.  See you around!

 

Slowly but surely…

I’m working on a new post!  Don’t give up on me!

 

Meet Abby!

We got home from the hospital on Friday night, and I’m still in major overload-mode.  Everything is going well; I’m just learning the basics of feeding and soothing and cleaning…while keeping up (or not) with daily routines and tasks…all in a body that feels even stranger to me now than it did before Abby was born!

I’ll get to processing more publicly soon, I hope, but in the meantime…

In the final days!  I think this was Sunday night; I went into the hospital on Tuesday to be induced.

30 hours into the process…almost there!  That’s 4 AM, if you’re looking at the clock.

…and here she is!

Ready to go home!

She sleeps A LOT!

 

Time’s Up for Turniphead

Yesterday I came home from my doctor’s appointment discouraged by my lack of progress.  We had scheduled the induction date, but I had hoped it wouldn’t come to that.  Too unmotivated to nest, I put on my pajamas and flopped on the couch in front of one of my favorite movies.

When Stephen came home and found me, very un-O-lan-like, sleeping in front of a blue TV screen, he  kicked into action.  We talked for a bit about the doctor’s visit, and then he went to pick up some Chinese take-out for dinner.  We ate in front of the TV, watching three episodes of Alias in a row to finish off our disc.  I went to bed early to enjoy my last night of sleep in my own bed.  Just what I needed!

After getting home from work today, I finished my final round of chores, thinking “this is my last…” for every one.

1.  Drop off Alias to Blockbuster.
2.  Gas up car, splurge on car wash so baby gets a clean ride home
3.  Eat lunch– finish as many leftovers out of fridge as possible
4.  Toss remaining leftovers
5.  Empty trash
6.  Run dishwasher, put away clean dishes
7.  Fold clean towels in dryer
8.  Take a nap!!
9.  Pack final items in bag
10.  Last shower- wash hair and shave legs
11.  Send last-minute instructions to sub, who starts my job tomorrow.  (Now let it go!)

Things are about to get crazy around here!