Not a surprising title, you might say, from a person who has spent the past two days in a Vicodin-induced slumber. But, this post is not even about that. Except a little, just for those of you who want to know.

The wisdom teeth surgery went fine. My last memories are of Dr. Filler patting my hand as the nurse pumped something intoxicating into my IV. “This will feel really good,” he assured me. “It’s okay to enjoy it. It’s totally legal.” So, with my mind thus set at ease, I slipped off into Drugland. There I stayed for about two days, awakening to eat some soup or take some more pills, never experiencing the bloody drool or the swollen and bruised face I had been warned about. I won’t go into any more detail about those days because I have trouble distinguishing between what really happened and what I dreamed.

Anyway, About 36 hours after the whole procedure began, I drove myself home. Other than some slight discomfort when it gets to be time for some more prescription-strength ibuprofen, I’m all good.

Now on to the non-surgical moments where life just hasn’t added up lately(for better or for worse):

Temporary (but great while it lasts) unreality #1: I have the mother of all excuses to be completely self-gratifying. If I don’t feel like returning phone calls, I don’t. If I want to eat a milkshake for lunch, I will. If I want to eat mashed potatoes for dinner, I will. If I want to sleep really late, I will. Blame it all on the meds.

Unreality #2: I walk in to our bedroom to find Stephen actually explaining to the dogs that “getting up on the bed with Dad is a privilege, not a right.” This means that they can get up when he wants company but do not have free access.

Unreality #3: I sat in on a conversation today between my husband and my baby brother, in which they agreed that the key to living life with no regrets is to never kiss an ugly girl.

Unreality #4: I swept and Swiffered the floor today. Then I reclined on the rug to enjoy “The One With Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner” and what do I see? MORE Phoebe hair on the floor! It is as if this new house is in some sort of alternate universe in which dog hair rapidly multiplies upon turning loose from the dog’s scalp. Gross.

Moral: Truth is stranger than drug-induced hallucinations.


14 responses to “Unreality

  1. Laugh out loud post!

    Glad your wisdom teeth experience was better than mine. My drugs made me so sick to my stomach, I’d rather have the pain in the mouth.

    But I did have this heavy duty cough medicine once that had codeine in it. All I know is that it made me really warm and woozy, in a good way. I couldn’t tell you if I stopped coughing or not, as I was in some sort of dream state. I was sad when that bottle ran out. I wonder if I could get some more?? Cough. Cough.

  2. Great post. Glad the mouth is better. And you’re right, truth is stranger than fiction or drug-induced hallucinations!

  3. Hmm, I just realized that Unrealitly #4 might be unnecessarily confusing. “Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner” refers to the character on Friends named Phoebe. “Phoebe hair on the floor” refers to my dog, who is also named Phoebe. I am NOT imagining that characters from my favorite smutty sitcom are coming over and shedding on my floor.

  4. Cough. Cough.

  5. When I got my wisdom teeth out, I really didn’t want to be put to sleep when it happened. I was horribly afraid I would say or do something stupid, and never know I did it. So I just got my mouth numbed, and stayed awake the whole time.

    Then, like Karen, whatever super-drug I was supposed to take for the pain made me really sick, too.

    So I didn’t get any of the pain-free benefits I was supposed to have, and none of the weird dreams/memories.

    However, I was addressing wedding invitations that weekend, and I blamed any forgotten invites on the drugs! 🙂

  6. Cough. Cough.

  7. No, Karen, I will not share my codeine.

  8. I had some teeth out in eighth grade and I just felt awful for two days. Slept most of it and I remember my dad bringing me flowers. The worst part is how bad your mouth smells. Yuck!

  9. Cough. Cough.

  10. comment, comment, comment

  11. Jerk! That doesn’t count!

  12. Cough. Cough.

  13. I just gotta know… did you name your dog after the TV show?

  14. I assume you mean Phoebe, and her name is actually from the Bible. Stephen and his seminary friends named her before I got there.

    It kind of stinks because I liked the name Ross for a dog, not really from the show either. But people would never believe us that BOTH names were unrelated. So if we ever get a boy pet (which we won’t), his name will be Gary.

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