The Other Baby Boy On My Mind this Christmas

It’s an example of irrational-mother-brain that I miss Sam the most on days when Abby is the worst behaved.  It seems like those should be the days that I am most thankful to only have one child on my hands, right? 

But the truth is, I have so many perfectly-fine days, I’m actually really thankful when things make me sad.  I’ve been waiting for almost five months, thinking that any day now I’m going to feel the full force of my loss.  I’ve been walking cautiously, always looking over my shoulder, thinking that grief will spring out at me like a wild animal that’s been hiding in the shadows.  But the more days that pass, the more I wonder if there’s no animal in the woods after all, and I’ve already grieved at full capacity.  That thought makes me feel like terrible as a mom and deficient as a human being.

I’ve thought at great length about how to actively remember Sam as part of our family with out being morbid, and this seems especially important in this season, in what should have been his first Christmas.

I’ve made him an ornament for our Christmas tree.  We bought him presents–a goat and some chickens from the World Vision store, to be given to a needy family.  We include his name when we pray with Abby every night and thank God for our family. His little footprints are on the wall above the mantel where our stockings hang.

But nothing seems to be quite enough.

A friend of mine recently delivered a healthy baby boy whose cord was tied in a hard knot.  Last Monday I took Abby to play at a gym crowded with moms cradling round pregnant bellies or sporting babies snug in Moby wraps.  Sometimes I want to wilt under the weight of the unfairness of it.

Pray for me, friends, that my heart would be full of the Baby Boy who WAS born at Christmas.  “Come, thou long-expected Jesus…joy of every longing heart.”

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3 responses to “The Other Baby Boy On My Mind this Christmas

  1. We will keep praying for you! It sounds pretty normal to me from what I have heard other friends going through. I would like to suggest that you check out the blog – gavinowens.com

    This mother lost her son at age 3, and though the circumstances were different, I think you might be able to relate to her. She seems to be coping and healing very well, while honoring her son, an keeping his memory alive.

    As you know, we had 1 year of trying before we got pregnant with Owen, and 3 years of trying for baby #2. It is easy to question why not us, why them, why not them etc – but we’ve seen how God has matured us through this experience. I can relate to you there! All of our friends seem to get pregnant on accident, or on a whim, and some even dread the idea of being a mother – and yet, they are pregnant.

    Anyway, all of that to say that you are normal, and Christmas is still Christmas, even in times of grief. It’s not wrong for you to be sad, or to miss Sam.

    Love you!

  2. I love you, Lindsey. It seems you are still in the grieving process, yet in the healthiest of ways. Sending you love and hugs and my prayers.

    ~Julie

  3. I hope this comes out right…

    On the days that one of my children is acting poorly, I feel compelled to pay attention to the other one more. When Ian is being a toot, I just want to cuddle with Seth. With Seth is screaming and we don’t know why, I just want to have a fun conversation with chatty Mr. Ian. And then I feel guilty… did I love one child more than the other that day? Am I treating them with fairness on any given day?

    So, that’s just it… motherhood is hard no matter how you slice it. And add in circumstances like losing a child or having an unhealthy one, and man, it’s harder still, I’m sure! But I struggle with guilt a lot as a mom… self-assigned GUILT that is absolutely not necessary. It doesn’t make me better, it only tears me down.

    So what I am trying to say and how I am trying to encourage you is don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t worry that you’re not feeling the way you expected to or think others might expect you to. And of course, try to keep perspective, like you said… Jesus is the reason for the season and no matter the season, Sam will always be missed.

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