True Confessions

Just the other day I caught my reflection in a mirror and thought for the first time that I’m looking kind of old.  (This was both a shock and a relief, as my self-perception has not updated since I was fourteen.)  Lately I’ve had a few other moments of feeling decidedly not-young and not-hip, and I thought I might redeem them by turning them into a funny blog post.  So, enjoy. (And maybe give me some reassurances that I’m not alone.)

***

Yesterday I walked a friend to the door after a nice chat and noticed that the UPS man had delivered some boxes from Amazon during our visit.  My friend said, “Oooh, packages!”  I first thought it was my diaper delivery, so I said, “Oh, it’s nothing exciting.” Then I remembered– “Oh wait, YES IT IS!”

I can only imagine what my (new, obviously) friend expected me to say next: It’s a margarita machine?  A professional-grade KitchenAid mixer?  A 3-D printer? A fun shipment from Stitch Fix?  A new pair of Beats By Dre headphones?

“…it’s a new humidifier that’s in the shape of an owl!”  Womp, womp.

***

I’ve also lost count of the number of days that it gets to be lunch time and I realize that I’ve neglected to look at myself from behind.  Yes, gentlemen, I know you do this all the time.  But most women need to check their hairdo at least once before leaving the bathroom in the morning.  You just never know when a big chunk of frizzy hair needs some touching up with the straightener, or when there’s a big bump sticking out of your ponytail, or when your scalp is showing where you slept funny on your second-day hair.

I don’t even know what indignities I’ve showcased to the world behind me.  But it’s only a matter of time before I parade through the world with something way more embarrassing than an HEBuddy “5 points!” sticker stuck to my back, so it’s time to get back into the habit of the self-check.

***

I wore my house slippers down the street to the mailbox the other day, and not even in a “I was wearing them around the house and forgot to change my shoes” kind of way.  I decided to check the mail, went to my closet, and decided the slippers were my best footwear option.  You see, I was wearing socks (it has been freezing here lately, like in the LOWER 60’s) and carrying Jem, and I wanted shoes that I could put on without bending down.  In my defense, these were rubber-soled slippers, not the flimsy granny type. But I feel like once I’ve justified wearing houseshoes to walk around my neighborhood, it’s only a matter of time before I justify wearing them to Wal-Mart, and I’m not okay with that.

***

I have used the following words/phrases in the past week without having any idea what I’m actually talking about: sriracha, plugin, Beats by Dre, lomilomi.

***

Also in the past week: more than once, I’ve actually said to myself, “It’s not THAT MUCH pee” to justify not changing out of my last pair of clean jeans.  Hmm, this confession looks especially disgraceful in black and white.  Does it make it better or worse if I assure you that it wasn’t my own urine?  Moving on.

***

Friday Stephen bought me a much-needed pair of Flurry Mocs from PayLess. (Now I have even MORE stylish houseshoes to wear outside!)  They’re for Christmas, but I got a coupon in my email that was only good for two days, so we went ahead and made the purchase.  But then I had a crummy afternoon and Stephen left to go camping with the youth group, so I OPENED THE BOX and WORE MY NEW MOCS just to make myself feel better.  (It worked.)

(Today is Monday and I’m still wearing them. I’m not feeling crummy today, but the mocs are awesome.)

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11 responses to “True Confessions

  1. I look at your behind all the time…it always looks good. 😉

  2. hahaha Stephen

  3. lol….you’re not alone and half the things you said that are “hip” I don’t even know what they are, so you must be ahead of me at least (not that that says a lot). 🙂

  4. haha I love it, and I love Stephen’s comment.

  5. Lomilomi? You’re just making that up, right? I guess I’m old too, because I think I’m guilty of almost all these things!

    • Lomilomi is a real thing (I had to Google it to find out the correct spelling)– it’s a kind of massage. As it involves “being comfortable with your body” and “minimal draping”, I did not pursue firsthand knowledge of the subject…

  6. It is all OK.

  7. Hooray!! Just yesterday, I wore my moccs to school and told my assistant principal that while I checked them against my heeled ankle boots in the morning before leaving school AND that the boots were decidedly more professional attire, I still switched back to the moccs. Also, I may or may not own a pair of striped “shoes” that may or may not have come from the slipper section of target. Suffice it to say they are not collecting dust or anything…

    Love your post. 🙂

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