I recently wrote a post entitled “What I’ve Learned: I Was Never in Control Anyway.” That makes it sound so easy, so…finished.
I’ve really struggled with this, though. See, I believe that God is sovereign over all things, that he gives and takes away, that everything in life comes and goes at His good pleasure.
This means that when I’m sad and missing Sam, I have to deal with the fact that the God I turn to for comfort is the same God who decided that Sam’s 34 weeks of life was long enough.
The image of God that’s resonated in my imgaination lately is that of the Lion of Judah. Lions are loud, and powerful, and scary. No one runs toward the lion out on the Serengeti when they’re needing a little security and rest.
Of course, as C.S. Lewis famously said Aslan, “He is not safe, but he is good.”
But “good” in an eternal sense is not always comforting. After all, when I “give up control” (ha, ha!) of my family, it means that I am laying down my loved ones in the paws of the Lion who has already seen fit to take one of them away.
I don’t have an answer for how to get past this, except to make my mind keep saying what I know is true, in hope that it will trickle down to inform and warm my hesitant heart:
Yes, God is a lion, even a scary lion at times. But the Lion’s name is also Love. While I may never know why he had to take my son, I do know that God did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all.
“Why does God let babies die?” is a perplexing question. “Why did my baby die?” is even harder. But I also can’t forget to marvel at the question, “Why did God let Jesus die?” Because the only answer is Love: extravagant, painful, costly, unnecessary love.
God is sovereign. God is love. He numbers our days, and he holds us together; he makes nations rise and fall, and his eye is on the sparrow. God is Great, God is Good.
My feelings don’t always know what is true, but it is well with my soul.